it's been 155+ days since my last confession, and father I have sinned.

Ok, so not that dramatic.  But it has been months since my last blog post.  Why?  I don't really know. I guess I caught the blogger blues.  I think we all get it.  Nothing left to say.  Feeling like it's chore rather than a release.  Feeling uninspired and unimportant.  Yup, I was there.  I had it.

I can't say for sure if I am totally cured, but the other day I realized I had lost my voice.  My inner monolog.  So I thought, why the hell not.  I will start writing again damn it.

So here I am.  Missed me?

My last post was a bit of a doozy eh?  Well months later and not much has changed in that department.  What has changed is the family made the permeant move to California.  Yup.  House in Seattle is rented and the house in California is fully occupied, along with a MIL.  More on that later.  But we are now Californians.  Although my heart still feels as if she is a Seattleite.  Not sure when that will end.  I still refer to Seattle as home, and I still annoy my friends when I say, "well in Seattle we did this".  I can see why that is annoying. :)

In the fertility department, I have just finished my first round of Clomid.  A little pill that supposedly packs a heavy punch.  I will know in May if it worked and if the universe will grant me one more monster.  Seriously, how do you go 30 years fearing pregnancy to now paying good money to get knocked up.  Makes no sense.  So wish me luck and send me baby dust or what ever they call it.  I need it.  And please over night that shit.

Max is great and settled right back into California.  He loves the house.  Having a big ol' room.  He loves his school and his new friends.  Not much he needs besides his milk, snuggles, legos and hot wheels.

It's knowing the order in which he wants them thats the kicker.

three tests continued....

Blood tests- Hysterosonogram -Hysterosalpingogram 

Sound fun right?  Not so much.  The blood tests, eh, a walk in the park.  The Hysterosongram, pretty uneventful.  Just an internal ultrasound to check for lumps and bump.  The Hysterosalpingogram.  That one, not the greatest.  Sure it was uncomfortable. And annoying.  And there was pressure and cramping.  But the real kicker?  The room.  I had no idea I was walking into what looked like an operating room.  Super sterile and all metal.  Huge machines that rotated around your body.  And the best, the flat, metal table they have you lay on with only a hospital gown.  (It was freezing in there) Oh and the attached stirrups.  That was a nice touch.  At least they told me to keep my socks on.  That was sweet.

So I panicked.  I tried to keep my cool face on.  Like this is fine, no biggy.  But really in my head I was shitting my pants.  I was terrified.  Not sure of what really, I guess of the unknown.  Will it hurt?  Will they find something horrible in my uterus?

As I laid there for what felt like hours waiting for the doctor, my anxiety started to get the best of me. I was trying to do some deep breathing.  I was cracking jokes with the nurses.  Finally the doctor arrived.  A short Chinese man.  Imagine the character from Hangover, Mr. Chow.  But not funny.

As they started the procedure, I started to get light headed and felt like I was going to vomit. This was an awesome feeling.  It reminded me a lot of my C-section.  Throwing up laying down is tricky.  The sweet nurses wet a damp cloth and wiped my forehead.  It was super mothering an appreciated.  After 20 minutes, the anxiety subsided and I was able to be clearer.  I could actually watch the monitor and see my fallopian tubes get pumped up with dye.

Isn't funny when you are in pain or discomfort, as women we feel the need to constantly apologize.  OH, I'm sorry I being a wimp, or I am sorry you have to take care of me.  It was an interesting.  And I pondered it for awhile as I laid partly naked on a metal table with my legs in the air.

Of course my test came back all fine.  All the mechanics are working and things "should" be normal.  Rob was tested last week, which he also enjoyed fully, no not really.  So now we wait. And wait some more.

I still am not sure what the next course is.  And I am starting to wonder if I am cut out for this.  More testing and prodding.  Do I want another baby?  Of course.  Should I be listening to the universe that maybe it is not in the cards?  Maybe?

google image, not me 

where does the time go?

Hot damn this has been a busy month.  October is our last month in Seattle for..... a while.  We are packing up and heading South for about 7 months.  This will be the longest "trip" we have taken.  And although we are going to our home, Seattle still remains my anchor.  I don't know if it is this hard for others to move.  But for me, I feel like it is opening a new chapter when I am not ready or willing to close the current one.  Funny analogy with books, because similarly I will purposely hold off on finishing a book because I am not ready for it to end.

I realize its a bit dramatic.  Clearly my life and friends will not end once I move, but they wont be as assessable and that is a hard pill to swallow.  Like I won't be able to jump in my car and have lunch with my bestie, the one who knows something is wrong simply by a text.  Or I won't be able to snuggle her sweet newborn any time I want.  The friends are have here are lifers, you know.  Those are hard to come by.

But I try and remain positive and excited for what California brings.  New friends with great Mama's.  A great school for Max to attend with great teachers.  GREAT weather.  My garden. A bigger house.  And of course new adventures.  It's just weird......

Besides the preoccupation of the move, I have been busy snapping tons of photos.  I started FancyPants Photography on Facebook.  Not a full on business but a starting point to house some of my work.  It was pretty nerve racking.  Putting up your "art".  Having people critique it or remain silent.  But I said "F" it.  It is time! I have got some likes which makes my heart happy and I have gotten some business (not just from friends, yeah).  It feels pretty damn good!

Bring it next chapter!

                                       

    

Gemma

      

Audrey

Gemma's arrival

Look at what I got to do! Not only did my bestie have her baby, I was there to capture some of it on camera.  Newborn photography is great.  What a moment to capture.  I still look at mine and sigh.  I wish now I had some professional pictures taken.  

And can I say, watching your friend who you have loved for decades become a mother for the first time is super emotional.  You can only convey in words the wonders of motherhood and holding your child for the first time.  But words don't even skim the surface to what it is actually like.  I am so happy for her and her new family.  

laboring

daddy love

she is already so tough

a proper introduction to the tribe

Oh the things kids say....

Max has been full of it lately.  Full of one liners and piss and vinegar.  Oh three's how you love to torture thee.  But I will survive.  At least one of us will.

The other day Max was way to quiet in his room.  When I entered I got a whiff of something sugary sweet.  As I investigated, I relaxed he had got into my stash of jelly beans (approx 20) and a lollipop.  When I asked him what he did, he blushed as said-I ATE THEM ALL MAMA!  I responded with, while shaking my finger, "you know that is not OK".  The response, "Damn it". "You want a spankin"?

Now before we get all crazy about spankings.  This is a term I used most lovingly to all my friends and family.  You know, if my hubby doesn't take the trash out, I immediately follow up with, -Do you want a spankin.  It's sort of my thing.  That and-Who wants a knuckle sandwich.  Weird I know, don't judge.  SO needless to say, I sort of couldn't get mad about the candy eating incident.  I was too busy hiding my laughter.

However this did back fire a little on me today at school....shocking right.  I went to pick Max up from school, and of course he was not ready to leave.  When I told him again that it was time to go, he smirked at me and asked....."Do you want a spankin"?  As I could see the horror in the other adults, I just super awkwardly lowered my head, grabbed his hand, and walked him out of the classroom.  Mama of the year!!!!

Max also told me the other day that he was pissed out.  This I decoded as pissed off, as daddy so loving told him the night before.  We are a family with choice words I realize.  We are working on it people. :)

So, in hindsight, we are eating our words now that we have a parrot in the house.  My husband jokes that at least he is using them correctly.  As if there is a silver lining.

pumpkin patch

Pumpking patches are always a ton of fun.  I can't get enough of them.  I could go to one every weekend.  The petting zoo's and pumpkin pie! It is funny how before we had Max, a pumpkin patch was the last place on earth we would go.  And now, we look forward to it!

Snow cone all to myself....what!

hi there

this one is good mama

I LOVE CORN

6 days old

I'm starting to get my feet wet!  Here is a newborn session I did.  Man, how delicious! I could shoot them all day.  But you better bring your patience.  Shooting newborns is not a quick deal.  We are talking about almost three hours.  You gotta change them, feed them, prop them-and then do it all over again (about 4 times).  

Worth it? Definitely!