Not sure if you noticed, but I have been MIA for a while. I was unfortunately called up to Anchorage to say go by to a dear friend. God, why is death/mourning/grieving such a horrible process. And God, if you are indeed out there, that a rhetorical question.
Its been ten long days of grieving. Ten long days of crying. Ugly crying....
What is the ugly cry you ask? Here is urban dictionaries definition. It's pretty spot on....
A type of crying that can feel really good and really bad at the same time. The ugly cry can occur after a severe tragedy in one's life, or simply for no reason at all. You know you're doing the ugly cry when you lose COMPLETE CONTROL of all of the muscles in your face, start heaving and making awkward sounds (even though you are trying really hard to be silent), and start leaking fluids from every opening on your face from your hairline to your chin (yes, this includes the mouth). Without a doubt, by the time you are through with your ugly cry episode (if it was genuine) it will look as though you are a homeless person with pink eye who got punched a few times in the face and was hit my a monsoon; this is completely normal.
Even before the passing of my friend I had two other occasions this month that brought out the ugly cry. January was a bit of a doozy for me I guess. One was a heart to heart with the hubby about baby #2 (and me trying to come to terms with it might not happening) and #2 was the birthday of my late Mother. Heavy topics eh.
I wonder if I ugly cry because I usually tend to hold back my tears? So, once I am broken down enough to start the crying process, the flood gates open. My eyes and nose squint up causing me to expose ALL my teeth. Is that a pretty visual for you? Its quite horrific actually. And so then I am a super self conscious about it. I mean wouldn't you be. Dear god, its enough to scare anyone away. As if I am going to explode or something. YIKES.
Anyways. I am back home. Trying to find my routine again. My rhythm. I am hit with moments of grief, missing Sharon. Completely saddened that I will not talk to her again. I am devastated for her children. Especially my dear friend Dawn, whom I wish I could take care of right now. Losing a mother is perhaps one of the hardest trials in life, and unfortunately we now share that in common.
~mama
Even before the passing of my friend I had two other occasions this month that brought out the ugly cry. January was a bit of a doozy for me I guess. One was a heart to heart with the hubby about baby #2 (and me trying to come to terms with it might not happening) and #2 was the birthday of my late Mother. Heavy topics eh.
I wonder if I ugly cry because I usually tend to hold back my tears? So, once I am broken down enough to start the crying process, the flood gates open. My eyes and nose squint up causing me to expose ALL my teeth. Is that a pretty visual for you? Its quite horrific actually. And so then I am a super self conscious about it. I mean wouldn't you be. Dear god, its enough to scare anyone away. As if I am going to explode or something. YIKES.
Anyways. I am back home. Trying to find my routine again. My rhythm. I am hit with moments of grief, missing Sharon. Completely saddened that I will not talk to her again. I am devastated for her children. Especially my dear friend Dawn, whom I wish I could take care of right now. Losing a mother is perhaps one of the hardest trials in life, and unfortunately we now share that in common.
~mama
I'm so sorry. What heavy matters of the heart to deal with, all so closely. May your mothers and friends memories be a blessing to you always.
ReplyDeleteI'm like you.. When I do start crying? Oh boy is it the ugly cry. I hold it all in until I can't anymore. Probably not the best way to deal with things, but whatever.
I guess we deal the best way we know how right. Here's to mastering the ugly cry :)
DeleteSorry for all the tears, I hope things turn around for you (and that hubby comes around on the baby thing).
ReplyDeleteThanks lady! Me too :)
Delete