A Taxing day

Twenty one years ago my life change forever.  As I have written before, my Mother was taken from this world far too early and much to tragically.  I was retelling the hubby about the dreadful night.  How I was awaken by a loud thud on my door.  To open it and see a Police Officer and my father standing in my door way.  Hearing those fateful words, "Your mother had died honey".

So of course this day sucks.  It sucks every year.  I am flooded with memories of how, when and where I was when I was told that my mother was killed in a car accident.  Killed by young kids who had too much to drink.  I try though, I try to keep the day positive.  I try to remember her laugh.  Her hands.  Her smell.  But you know what?  It kills to try and have to remember.  How her memory, every year that passes is more like a slide show in my head.  More like a movie I had seen long ago.  Not my actually life, my own actual Mother.

I can say though, becoming a Mother has helped me in my grieving.  And has expanded my love for my mother.  A Mother I didn't really get a chance to know.  I know now how much she sacrificed for me.  How much she loved me, as only a Mother can for her child.  I know how precious moments must of been for her as she feed me breakfast or got me ready for bed.  And I know this now because they aer so precious for me.  I thought about that tonight as I was reading and dressing Max for bed.  How tender and sweet that moment was, and how my own mother probably felt the same way about me when I was a baby.

So as this day was heavy on many levels, I write this with a semi smile as I remember her.  She was Thirty Six when she died.  In one month, I too will be Thirty Six.  It brings another onset of heavy emotions.  I wonder if I was taken now, what my "legacy" would be.  Would those around me know how much I loved them, and needed them in my life?  I truly hope so.  Because with out them, I would be and have nothing.

Rest in Peace, Mother!