Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Depression stinks

source:google image
Melancholy, the blues, sadness, grief, what ever you wanna call it, it stinks.

I have been dealing with depression since I was about 15.  Well that is when I got the lovely diagnosis anyways.  Back then, depression wasn't really friends with pop culture like it is now.  I didn't really know anyone then who was also experiencing depression, although in hindsight I bet a lot were.   Pretty lonely place back then.  An overwhelming feeling of sadness.  A feeling that something was indeed broken, but you have no idea where or how to fix it.  I had lost my mother, but how does one cope with that at 15? There was no instructional book or a bandage big enough for you to hold it all together.  So I spent a lot of days in bed.  I chalked it up to being a teenager.  All teenager sleep a lot, right? Except I never felt rested.  Sleep was more like an escape.  Escape from the numbness.  The emptiness.

Times, they did get better.  What doesn't kill you makes your stronger....right?

Well that and medication...and perhaps little sprinklings of therapy.

But still, even now I am not immune to that recurring broken feeling.  Its is sort of like those stupid commercials you see.  A dark cloud hovering over a sad little cartoon.  The crappy thing is now that cloud is now mixed with a storm called anxiety.  Anxiety is the real shiter! I'll delve into that beast at another time.  I suppose the good thing, the bonus, is now I have a name for it.  When I feel broken I now know its not permeant.  I know that this too will pass.

It would be great though If I could hide under my covers like I used to.  But Damn it, my little monster knows all my freakin' hiding spots!

Maybe its a good thing, not being able to hide.

So since that is no longer an option

I drink coffee..... or wine.  I vent.  I take a bath.  and I wait.

And sure enough, it moves on.

And I am right back where I need to be.

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