Yesterday was my late mothers Birthday. A New Year's Baby.
It sort of hit me like a ton of bricks though.... I never paid much attention to her Birthday after she died. Which has now become a layered issue for me.
I say layered because it is layered with many different emotions. Guilt, shame, anger, and saddness. Why didn't I pay much attention to the birthday of the woman who gave me life? To be honest, I just have no memory of doing it even when she was alive. I called my mothers best friend and asked her, in hopes to spark my own memory. She said it wasn't that uncommon for us to not celebrate that day, and that they did so on their own with wine while us kids played. she also said that in Korea, Birthdays were an event like they are in the states, especially if money was an issue. So what...no parties? No over the top gifts? No singing Happy Birthday at a restaurant that would embarrass the crap out of you?
I had to sit with this for most of the day. It finally all came to a head as I laid on my couch with tears streaming down my face. I miss her. I miss my memories of her and I so wish I took more time when she was alive to know her. I wish, I wish, I wish!
But in life we move on, we learn for our history and we go forth. I will carve out a special moment on this day to squeeze my family extra close and love them extra hard, and thank my mother for all that she gave me and to wish her a Happy Birthday!